Confessions of an Instagrammer #13

We all need the sun in order to shine. Lately, my energy dropped. I’ve been sleeping a lot. I’ve been awfully quiet and if you know me, that’s not right. I just find myself waking up each day waiting for the day to end. And to sleep. And indulge myself with boundless dreams. And yes after watching Inside Out, I could relate more with Sadness.

This sudden shift of emotion is a mystery to me until finally one morning, it sunk in that I lost my sun. Or at least I’m avoiding him. That great ball of fire that lights up my day. That star that I will never have. I lost my sun and I lost my light.

Sorry Cristina Yang. I’m not the sun. He is.

SunMissed the sun. #TBT

Confessions of an Instagrammer #12

No matter how nice you get, people will still treat you differently.  

Well, maybe not always always. But we all know the feeling of being left out. Being the last one to be picked for a team in a game of patintero. Walking quickly so your friends would catch up with you, but they don’t. Walking slowly so your officemates can catch up with you, but you’re still left walking alone. No one liking your posts on social media. Petty, but understandable. You were the odd man out. Always on the outside looking in. And you can’t do anything but endure the burning in your eyes, on your face, to your ears, and down to your neck. Because you feel out of place. Because you feel different.

It’s an awful feeling, I know. I have friends who I do treat as close or perhaps best friends. But I don’t get the same treatment back. I know that I should not expect that they’d care for me the way I do. Expectations ruin things but there are valid ones. Right? To consider a friend, a friend, he has to treat you like one. Right?

I didn’t know that friendship, like love, can be unrequited too. And it hurts as much.

Friendship is not as unconditional as a mother’s love. You can only give so much. You give and you give and you give. Before you know it and before you’d stop. You won’t be able to recognize yourself anymore.

Because I was treated differently, I became different. I became indifferent.

IMG_0931.JPGI’m not broken.

Confessions of an Instagrammer #11

Meeting new people can be both frightening and exciting.

It’s scary to put myself out there pretending not to hear all their judgments or using a less harsh term, first impressions. To stand there in my best clothes, in my straightest stance. Smiling but not too wide. Just a smirk to show the dimple on my right cheek. Overthinking every word that comes out of my mouth, thinking each will make or break my chances of building a relationship I can finally call mine.

Well, I always put my best foot forward in everything. Meeting new friends included. And even more if I like someone. I share every exciting detail of my life (and maybe exaggerate them a bit) just to keep that someone interested. Just to keep him asking questions. Just to keep the conversations going. Just to keep him wanting more for tomorrow. Wanting more from me.

The idea of starting a blank page in a stranger’s life gives me the butterflies in my stomach. The beautiful glittery kind not the moth-looking ones. This gives me hope that this person will finally treat me right. The way I want to be treated. The way I’m ought to be treated. Thinking that this may have been the Cinderella moment I’ve been waiting for. The reward for being too kind.

Just this time and just like every other time, I stand there thinking this may just actually work. Maybe, he’ll be the one. Otherswise, I’ll have to start all over again.

Life is a cycle of trials and errors. You just have to keep trying until you get the right answer. #thoughts

Confessions of an Instagrammer #10

What is it with people and New Year’s Days? We love to celebrate the new year so much that we do it twice a year. I don’t know. Maybe it’s the idea of hoping that something good, better or greater will come our way. Hoping that this year will open doors to a new exciting career in marketing, to start a dream cupcake business, have a new pet dog named Miley or as petty as finally winning the lottery (even just a few thousands, please). Hoping for things you’ve never done before and aspiring to write them into your future.

Or it’s the feeling of unloading last year’s emotional baggage behind. Putting it in a black hole as if it never existed. Waking up and surprisingly feeling better. Lighter. Carefree. Not forgetting, because let’s face it, no one really forgets. But for some reason, the crying has stopped.

It just feels so good. For the first time in a very long time, I’m happy. No specific reason. I just am.

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Kung Hei Fat Choi! Wishing everyone a blessed new year! #yearofthegoat

Confessions of an Instagrammer #9

I cut ties with a boy who I’ve loved (and I still love) and now I’m dealing with the aftermath. Picking up the pieces of something not whole in the first place. It’s difficult. It hurts.

If only Facebook could charge me for every visit to his wall. I spend hours staring and reading his posts. Looking for hints that he misses me. Reading each line as if they are intended for me. Like he is speaking to me. Like hey, I’m miserable without you. Like I’ve created a void in his life. A small or big void, I don’t care. I just want to know that he cares.

I can cry everyday but nothing will be the same. Not the way he feels. Not the way I feel.

I have nothing left to do but move forward. There are no wrong moves, I always say. Every choice is a path we ought to take.

You take a step forward but stepping backward will not bring you back exactly where you started.

Everything is irreversible, but the future is endless.

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The waves won’t stop for you.

Confessions of an Instagrammer #8

Most of the time, we don’t realize that we have changed until someone points it out. The ugly duckling did not discover that it grew into a beautiful swan until it saw itself on the water.

Over two years ago, I felt that we were too close for our own good. I was in a terrible place then and he was the only one who listened. He made me happy. I guess I also made him… happy. At least, I hoped so.  It started innocent, yes, but change has its way of ruining things.

I woke up one day and everything was different. His voice became my favorite song I longed to hear each day. His touch fed me warmth I had never felt for a very long time. His smile made me want to kiss him endlessly.

I began loving him but he simply didn’t love me back.

I wanted him to know but I was afraid to lose him. I never told anyone about my truth because I didn’t want it to be true. I even denied it to myself.

We were friends and that’s the closest I could get. I tried holding on to it. I held on to our daily routine. That every four in the afternoon, he was mine.

However, sometimes, change is just a decision people make. The beautiful swan could either decide to remain being alone or joyfully flock with the other swans.

It’s a decision to say goodbye. Goodbye.

Goodbyes are the worst. #EmbraceChange

Confessions of an Instagrammer #7

Maintaining a relationship is hard and even harder when you don’t know what that “relationship” is. I know we are more than friends, but I don’t know if he feels the same way. 

I mean, we text.  Or more truthfully, I text him and he occasionally responds. This was a set up I was willing to live with. This routine made me happy. He made me happy. Perhaps, this was the love I thought I deserved (to quote one of the few books I finished) since this was the closest I could get to him.

I know I deserve better but each time I try to cut him off, he does something that pulls my heart right back.

Today, I want to let him go because it hurts. My heart hurts.

I bought him a piece of his favorite dessert. I texted him and he didn’t respond. I waited in our spot. I called him and he didn’t answer. We were supposed to meet today for our daily afternoon snacks. Minutes passed and still nothing. Maybe it’s intentional that he was avoiding me. Maybe it’s his girlfriend saying that I need to back off.

Maybe…nevermind.

The ice cream is starting to melt.

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Pistachio Ice-Cream Filled Macarons 🙂 #dessert #yummy

Confessions of an Instagrammer #6

Surprisingly, he did remember my birthday. He greeted me hours late. Better late than never, right? I actually thought he would forget. I hid my birthday in my Facebook profile 6 months ago so there’s no way he would be reminded.

Maybe he saw my birthday post in Instagram or the greetings on my wall. Maybe he intended for me to get disappointed, to watch the clock strike at 12:00 midnight of the next day, the day that was not my birthday.

What the hell am I rambling for?! He remembered and that’s all that matters.

He also gave me roses the next morning.

I took the flowers and walked away. He followed me BTW.

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#2Weeks <3

Confessions of an Instagrammer #5

Birthdays are overrated. At least, that was the old me talking. I did not understand how people could spend so much money and time to thoughtfully celebrate anniversaries of someone’s existence. All the thoughtful planning. What gift to wear. Who to invite. A birthday is just any other day.

That changed when I started believing in the magic of a birthday wish. Or more truthfully, when I started becoming desperate for something to come true. Something like making him fall in love with me. This would be the third year since I started praying for this wish.

For him to be mine since I had always been his.

Time to make my wish. #birthday #hopeful

Confessions of an Instagrammer #4

I booked this trip weeks ago thinking that if I was physically out of his reach, then he would miss me.

I imagine him waiting for me to bring him his favorite afternoon snack or calling my phone and realizing that I could not help him review the grammar of his English essay.

I just want him to feel that void. Hurt you a little bit just enough for him to love me back.

Well, I am now at the highest peak of Hong Kong, seeing a stunning view of the city’s skyline and I am not happy.

I miss you.

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Hong Kong #wanderlust #travel